The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 125 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 3 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 48 2nds 'til curtain, Ms. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be with you guys to do the show in a jiffy." Scooter: "Tonight's show is putting up a memorial slideshow for the former Muppet Show guest stars who have passed away over the years." Guest Star: "Oh good, something we all need for tonight's show." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo..... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Ms. Cameron Diaz, yaaaaaaay!" [The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show Gonzo: [Playing Taps On Bugle] Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, tonight's a very special night for all of us 'cause our guest star is Ms. (Cameron Diaz|Guest Star's Name), we're doing a nice fancy memorial slideshow tribute party for the former Muppet Show guest stars who have passed away over the years, but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Rizzo: "Hey, Ke'mit, just fo' ya' t'know, Roga' Moo'e and Jim Nabo's bod passed away in two dousand seventeen." Kermit: "Oh my word, I didn't know that, Rizzo, but anyhow, here's Rodney Rabbit for the opening musical number." Opening musical number: My Way Rowlf: On Piano Keys Rodney: And now '' ''the end is near so I face '' ''the final curtain my friend I'll say it clear I'll state my case of which I'm certain Rodney (continued): I lived '' ''a life that's full I traveled each and every highway and more much more to this I did it my way Rodney: regrets I had a few but then again too few to menton I did what I had to '' ''and saw it through '' ''without exception I planned '' ''each charted course each careful step '' ''along the highway and more much more to this I did it my way Rodney (continued): yes there were times I'm sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew but through it all when there was a doubt I ate it up and spit it out I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way Rodney: I loved, laughed and cried I had my fails my share of losing and now as tears subside I find it all so amusing to think I did all that and may I say not in a shy way oh no oh no not me I did it my way Rodney: for what is a rabbit what has he got if not himself then he has not to say the things '' ''he truly feels and not the words he would reveal the record shows I took the blows and did it my way....... Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony...... Waldorf: "I enjoy doing things my way." Statler: "I really love doing things my own way myself." Waldorf: "As if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage...... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Nearly burning a kitchen down Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, here we go, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What can I do for you, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This man was caught nearly burning his kitchen down." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "I see, tell me you're name, please." Swedish Chef: "I'm a Teem, I nefer boorn my keetchee doon, eet's nut seef und secoore." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans his right index finger right through the innocent list and finds the Swedish Chef's real name, Tim on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Tim, it looks like you're innocent after all, you can let him go right now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Statler: "Tim's innocent after all." Waldorf: "It's a good thing they didn't take him to the jail tower." Statler: "Tell it to the judge!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot: Planning a memorial tribute party Guest Star: "So, Kermit, how should we prepare for this memorial tribute party?" Kermit: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st name), I suggest we make a memorial slideshow with photographs of the former Muppet Show guest stars in their memories." Guest Star: "That's a super good idea, we'll begin right away." The Swedish Chef sketch number: In Memoriam: Our Former Guest Stars cake Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born der ritt de gitt der gue orn desh dee born desh de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, it's teeme tu decurete zee een memureeem ceke." The Swedish Chef decorates the in memoriam cake by putting the finishing words: Our Former Guest Stars on it. Swedish Chef: "Und here eet ees." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "The cake with chocolate frosting looks super good." Statler: "It probably tastes just chocolate fudge cookies and brownies." Waldorf: "Slow down on the sweets there!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Shakespearean translator 400 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Another day, another new year has come by." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "It's another day of Dr. Strangepork's inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Check this out, you guys, it's the Shakespearean translator 400." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It can translate from English language to Shakespearean language, observe and watch what happens." Dr. Strangepork translates Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy's/1st Mate Piggy's English language to Shakespearean lanauge. Dr. Strangepork: "And there you have it." Link Hogthrob: "What just betid?" Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "We speaketh the language already!" Link Hogthrob: "We can't wend on like this!" Dr. Strangepork: "Not to worry about it, I got it all under control." Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy are back to speaking English language. Link Hogthrob: "Finally, back to English language." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever get a new langauge translator? will 1st Mate Piggy ever take a hero training class? will Link Hogthrob ever concentrate on the steering wheel? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "Those outer space pigs sure wot how to speaketh many types of languages." Waldorf translates Statler's Shakespearean language back to English language. Statler: "Those outer space pigs sure know how to speak many types of languages." Waldorf: "it's a good thing Shakespearean language didn't bore us half to death." Statler: "Language of excitement!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next, Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama ''is next onstage, everybody." ''Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama: Clifford's interview Johnny: "Hi there, I'm Johnny Fiama, and this is my good friend and monkey side kick, Sal Minella." Sal: "Nice meeting you here." Johnny: "Tonight, we're interviewing Clifford, tell us about yourself, Clifford." Clifford: "Well, Johnny, I really enjoy entertainin' myselves at super fun thrilled parties and playin' games of bowlin' and miniature golf as well." Johnny: "Oh that's good, Clifford, but unfortunately, we're outta time for tonight, so join us next time on Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama, which of course is me." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "This show keeps going on for almost a couple of months." Statler: "It keeps going on for almost a couple of years." Waldorf: "Nobody knows the differences!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Lips as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So then I went right across the cemetery graveyard and I heard this peculiar clattering noise, but it turned out to be a skeleton tap dancing, it was a riot!" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your cemetery jokes." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, who's the patient this time?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Lips as the patient. Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh wow, Lips, like, what happened to you?" Lips: "I keep getting those itching conditions on my arms and legs and I need something for it." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Lips, that's you all over." Lips: "That's easy for you to say." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever find the cure for Lips' itching conditions? will Nurse Piggy ever keep herself from getting ill? will Nurse Janice ever dance the night away? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any word of advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I'd say he needs lots of anti-itch cream on those arms and legs of his." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "Lips just can't quit scratching himself." Waldorf: "I sure hope Lips gets over those itching conditions." Statler: "Just as long as they're not contagious!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Automatic Dancing Trash Can Ticking Labs Theme Music In Background Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief pause.) Bunsen: "That's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Automatic Dancing Trash Can." (Another brief pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever wished you had a trash can that can dance disco style? well the Automatic Dancing Trash Can is what you need, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns right over to where Beaker's standing with a banana peel in his right hand.) come right over here, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, throw that banana peel right into this trash can." Beaker: Mee, mee! Beaker throws the banana peel right into the Automatic Dancing Trash Can. Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens." The Automatic Dancing Trash Can begins dancing disco style. Beaker joins in on the excitement, but he stops dancing a bit and faints right on the Muppet Labs floor. Bunsen: "Well unfortunately, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time on Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "I sure wish I had a trash can like that." Statler: "It could be the only way to save the environment." Waldorf: "Just don't be a litter bug!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Fozzie, Gonzo, Rizzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Pepe, Robin, Johnny and Sal for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: What a Wonderful World In Background Fozzie: I see trees of green Juliet Prowse (1936-1996) red roses too Harvey Korman (1927-2008) I see them bloom Lena Horne (1917-2010) for me and you Peter Ustinov (1921-2004) and I think to myself '' '''Avery Schreiber (1935-2002) '''''what a wonderful world Vincent Price (1911-1993) Gonzo: I see skies of blue Ethel Merman (1908-1984) and clouds of white Phyllis Diller (1917-2012) the bright blessed days Florence Henderson (1934-2016) the dark sacred nights Bruce Forsyth (1928-2017) and I think to myself Jim Nabors (1930-2017) what a wonderful world Rizzo: de colas of de rainbow Don Knotts (1924-2006) so pretty in de sky Zero Mostel (1915-1977) are also lovin' faces Milton Berle (1908-2002) of people walkin' by Nancy Walker (1922-1992) Rowlf: I see friends shakin' hands Edgar Bergen (1903-1978) sayin' how do you do? Madeline Kahn (1942-1999) they're really sayin' '' '''George Burns (1896-1996) '''''I love you Dom DeLuise (1933-2009) Scooter: I hear babies cry Rudolf Nureyev (1938-1993) I watch them grow Lou Rawls (1933-2006) they'll learn much more Peter Sellers (1925-1980) than I'll ever know Bob Hope (1903-2003) and I think to myself '' '''Teresa Brewer (1931-2007) '''''what a wonderful world Gilda Radner (1946-1989) Pepe: si I think to myself Pearl Bailey (1918-1990) what a wonderful world. Liberace (1918-1987) Robin: "God bless us, Dom DeLuise and everybody, thanks a bunch for so many super good years of laughter, singing and entertainment, we know you're all having a super good life in the skies of heaven." The rest of the slideshow pictures continue along the way. James Coco (1930-1987) Danny Kaye (1913-1987) Spike Milligan (1918-2002) Roger Miller (1936-1992) ' Roy Rogers (1911-1998)' Dale Evans (1912-2001) Lynn Redgrave (1943-2010) Jean Stapleton (1923-2013) To be continued........ John Denver (1943-1997) Lorene Yarnell (1944-2010) Victor Borge (1909-2000) Dudley Moore (1935-2002) Beverly Sills (1929-2007) Dizzy Gillespie (1917-1993) Christopher Reeve (1952 -2004) Doug Henning (1947-2000) Jonathan Winters (1925-2013) Andy Williams (1927-2012) Continued 1 more time..... Gene Kelly (1912-1996) James Coburn (1928-2002) Señor Wences (1896-1999) Jean Pierre Rampal (1922-2000) Tony Randall (1920-2004) Marty Feldman (1934 - 1982) Johnny Cash (1932-2003) Buddy Rich (1917-1987) Wally Boag (1920-2011) Roger Moore (1927-2017) Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again..... Statler: "Well, Waldorf, it's a good thing the former guest stars are in our hearts and minds." Waldorf: "We still got our wonderful memories of them." Statler: "A trip down to memory lane!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Okay, thanks a bunch for being here tonight, everybody, it's been a super good show with all of you here, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Ms. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaay!" The Guest Star comes right onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch for having me here, you guys, I've always wanted to have a memorial tribute party in honor and memories of the 1s that we've lost over the years." Robin: "Well I sure do remember the good times with them especially when Roger Miller was on our original classic show and we developed a terrible case of cluckitis and I was the only 1 who slowly transformed into a little yellow chick while the others slowly transformed into grownup chickens, it was a terrible and horrible situation." Kermit: "What good memories, but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." End Production Credits Directed by James Bobbin Produced by Nicholas Stollar Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers Credits Matt Vogel '' ''Eric Jacobson ''Dave Goelz '' ''Bill Barretta '' ''Peter Linz '' ''David Rudman '' ''Raymond Carr '' ''Julianne Buescher '' ''Alice Dinnean Vernon '' ''Brian Henson '' ''Stephanie D'abruzzo '' Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts